29 August 2010, 10:35 pm
This weekend I started college, it has been a hard transition, so incredibly hard for me to deal with the stress of the change, however this is not just a story of me just going through home sickness, my life is unfortunately far more complicated. I also should be used to this transition I have lived on my own for the past two years, and previous to this I was in a boarding school in Connecticut. I am also not American and I am attending this school as an international student, my home and my family being in Bermuda. However this is not it, this is not my main issue. My main issue is that during my time in the US I met one of the most incredible people I have ever seen, and both me and her fell in love. It through that time became one of the happiest two years of my life even though I disliked the boarding school I was at. Unfortunately since I graduated and am attending college now it is hard for me to deal with not seeing her on a regular basis. What complicates things more is that she is only just 16 and I am 19. She still has two more years at this boarding school before she is able to go to college herself. With all of this combined, it makes things incredibly challenging for me, though she tells me she will always be there for me and that she will help me through what I am dealing with now I wish I could be stronger for her, as I am supposed to be the man in the relationship. My plan is to see her as often as I can, if possible spend most if not all weekends with her and she has agreed that this will be fine, and previous to me actually going to college I felt that this would be fine as well, but somewhere along the way, it became difficult, I struggle to eat regularly, I can't sleep properly, I cry alot something I never have done before, and I just am not sure of anything. The worst part of all of this is even when I do get down to seeing her I fear that I will always carry this dread this feeling in my stomach with me. I just want to be happy. The other thing that makes things difficult is the distance she is attending school in litchfield ct, and me at Marist college in Poughkeepsie. In order for me to see her, without me having a car I have to take metro north to waterbury and see her from there. I don't know what to do, actually that is incorrect I know what to do, I have to be strong for her and myself and I have to keep going, taking one day at a time, but yesterday when I saw her for the first time in three months it was such an emotional experience for me, I realized that right then that I am all that she has, her parents just are not there often enough for her, traveling constantly and now I am not there for her all the time. I feel as if I could be doing more. Most of all it feels as if I am overwhelmed because although being successful at college is important to me it shadows in comparison to how important she is to me, but in order to keep my visa I have to stay in school. I feel as if I am at the end of my rope, as if I am not thinking about things properly, that somewhere down the line I have lost myself. I want to be happy. I want to be there for her to be strong for her but instead I have been an emotional wreck. How can I make myself be happier and get through this, at the end of the day all I want is a family and to be with her full time, but getting there seems so daunting, but for me there is no other way to live, it is this or nothing. I need help, I need suggestions, how do I keep her, be strong for her and myself, stay in school and the US and keep my sanity and happiness. I feel so out of place right now.... Read More »
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